A Senior might say…………

• As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

• I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

• Common sense is like deodorant.  The people who need it the most never use it.

• My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously, there’s a new strain out there.

• It’s not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects.

• I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.

• As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of … it will be misspelled and have no punctuation marks.

• As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy.  The truth is, I’m just being more energy efficient.

• I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the Produce Department trying to open a stupid plastic bag.

• If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

• Turns out that being a “senior” is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

• I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

• God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round…and laughed and laughed and laughed.

• I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

• I put my scale in the bathroom corner, and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

• My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

• Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

• Apparently, RSVP-ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.

• She says I keep pushing her buttons.  If that were true, I would have found mute by now.

• Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass.

• There is no such thing as a grouchy old person.  The truth is, once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest

Sam

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